Originally wrote this on 22/09/2015 at 20:57pm
I had dinner this evening, and then tears started to roll down my face. I have been feeling so sad lately, I have a cry most days. Because I miss you so much, I think about you in everything that I do, every passing moment you engulf my soul. I kiss your picture on my fridge, I have your pictures everywhere in the house… I just wish you were still here, but I know that you are resting. I know that you didn’t just leave me because you wanted to. It was your time, you had to rest. You had endured so much in this cruel world, yet your heart was so beautiful until the end. It’s been 10 years but it still feels like yesterday. I just can’t get over you. Especially when I have felt this emptiness since you went. The family I thought we had, showed its true colours and I have never felt even more alone on that part. As I sat there crying and thinking of you, your beautiful grandson noticed. May God continue to bless his sweet soul. He said, mama don’t do too much ok? I will help you. Wow my baby isn’t a baby anymore! I said no baby, I am fine doing it all, I don’t need help. I am just sad because I miss my daddy….he then said…don’t cry mama, your daddy did not leave you because he wanted to, he was sick that’s why he died. He is still here anyway, that’s what you told me. And I am here for you, ok mama? Don’t cry, do you want tissue? I cried even more hearing such big comforting words and assurance from my baby boy! Words alone cannot describe the way this boy made me feel. He hugged me and was so close to me and all he wanted was to make me happy. I know I am truly blessed to have my son and daughters. I am happy and content, but yet I still feel empty. I miss you so much and will never stop. You were my backbone and you live on indeed! As I embrace my pain, all I really push myself to do, is to make the most of everyday and be happy with my beautiful children. I can’t imagine life without them! I still miss you though, so much I cry for you always and just want you here because I know you truly loved me. I am so happy that you taught me how to love, I learnt how to finally love myself now too. I definitely know you are so proud of me, your one and only Bukus. And you might be gone in flesh, but in spirit you go no where. I am always going to miss you. Continue to rest in perfect peace my beautiful amazing daddy. One and only Philip the Lion. The love you gave me, will never ever die. You are truly the greatest man I ever knew. I teach my kids the love you taught me, as a woman I can see how effective this is. A fathers love goes beyond imagination.