My God, my saving grace, my comfort…

My all…My sense of reason…my complete understanding of what I must do and how I must stand…

Even as mere human, I must stand tall even when I am to stand small…

The road to my strength, to my salvation has been tough and rough on most parts…but I remain silently positive…

I will never forsake thee, I will scream and shout until the day that I die…that my God is my only salvation…

My peace of mind, my father, my mother…my complete contentment.

The devil may set a trap for me often, and blindly I fall deep…but my salvation, always restores my soul…

I shall never be without the true and pure Love of my God. My saving grace, my comforter, my salvation, my shoulder to cry on, my peace…oh how my love runs deep, so deep for my GodπŸ•Š

I am finally free, able to stand tall regardless, and say no….I deserve more than you, mere human can give me. You can not sustain me, you can not comfort or save me…because my God is my only true and pure salvation. Glory be to my God alwaysπŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

For so long…

For so long I have lived with my pain…

I think about it everyday…about you and why you are the way that you are…

I have for the last 12 years, been in so much turmoil…trying to move on, thinking I am the problem…but yet I find myself back at the beginning!

It has taken me a while, a while to be able to even write this on my blog! Always questioning myself…whether I am doing the right thing…

I feel now is the time, time to say it and own it and bury it…there is no more hope…

I have spent so many years crying, hurting…and when I see how beautiful I am as a mother, I don’t want my children to wallow in my pain too…

No matter how old you are, you want your mother’s unconditional love and support! And even more so when you never got it from the beginning…the void and pain left for you, is so undescribable…

Words alone can never express the damage, but I live with hope…hope for my soul, to be free from this void…

I want to feel happy with all that I do, right or wrong…my mistakes, I learn from them…I don’t want to share my life anymore…simply because all I ever receive as encouragement is negativity…

The best part of me, seems to be soaked up by my void…my anger towards your empty Love…I can now accept that after all my outburts to you, you still don’t get it…
I have poured my heart to you, pleaded with you….but you still always take me back there…

I just want to be free…free to live without your permission or your consent…πŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

My Mother, My Pain…

Forever displaced, my understanding of you.

I can never understand you.
I choose to love you, yet my heart still breaks.
You are the source of my pain.
The source of my anger…

When you don’t know what to do with your frustrations……you explode!

I think I have done it all, said it all…yet I return to the same place.
A place where everything is displaced.
From within I am still searching…

I have alot more answers, but still no closure, it constantly affects me…

Will you ever see your ways…the errors of your own ways? I won’t hold my breadth but I will for my soul πŸ•Š

My sanity is of the most important, in order to get on track I must release the shackles…

From where I begun, I must continue from there…but with complete sincerity!πŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

 

World Autism Awareness Day 02.04.2017…My world everydayπŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

Today and everyday is Autism awareness day…
Empowered with a life to share and to elevate oneself, and others along the path…
At first not easy, but as time has permitted  my understanding has been broadened…
Ignorance isn’t bliss! Especially when compassion is needed…
My stance with my autistic princess was to just listen to her alone…I mean to her alone! No Opinions from others, no Google, no Prayers for deliverance, no Books….just her nonverbal voice…
Yes what an amazing journey this is…everyday I learn a new way…she suddenly began to speak, took her a while compared to her twin….but when she has, she just does!
She never crawled, she just walked…she never practises…she just observes and then she blossoms…

She never babbled, she just spoke…she used her echolalia to practise and that was simply and still is her way…
She will write and read for you and you will  be in amazement…and she never learned phpnics in depth…her brain develops in a more unique way! She gets it immediately.

She is so intelligent, she has an amazing memory and she is extremely creative.
Never a conformist…just her beautiful amazing self.

A blessing upon this earth. A child specially sent from God…to test me, to test the world.

The tests have been so many and so difficult but yet I have persevered, because I love my daughter who has Autism and with all her challenges…I love her more because she is truly my teacher.

Let us embrace our children, let is be open and not ignorant…

You are highly blessed to have a child with a special need as you see life for what it really is.

Don’t wallow and feel sorry for yourself or for them…turn it all into a positive and see where it takes you…beyond your own imagination!

Love Autism, Share Autism πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

Always keep it moving…

No matter how many times I fall…I will pick myself up, and keep moving…

To even imagine the pain…unbearable pain, embedded within my soul, deeply sanctioned…but I keep it moving…

I have always been a survivor and never a victim…I am still keeping it, on the move…appreciating all the lessons!

6 years ago, 9 years ago, 12 years ago…you couldn’t have ever told me I will still be on the move…in 2017!

The joy now is that the move is realised, the move is determined, the move is beautiful, the move has purpose, the move has unconditional love….and the irony was that, the move was always fighting for release…

Present Day…the move is beautiful, the move is elevating and the move allows complete contentmentπŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

Temper Tantrum…

It always starts subtly….and then bangπŸ’£πŸ’£πŸ’£ goes the release…

What must be said, must be… especially when the bomb has exploded!

Not a good look, but from within it is a release….the fuse so short and then it has to be said…

Not always the best way to express but for so long this has been the only way to express….even claiming that this is the only way…this is me

Until the truth caught up, the one that wasn’t afraid to be honest and not make it into a personal attack…

The experiences in life has opened doors, so that she doesn’t feel so explosive…she can work on her temper tantrums…

She can face it now, openly honest about it, especially to herself…it is not a behaviour etched in her, but taught to her…she must fight even harder to change the cycle…

Don’t let your anger/temper get the best of you…πŸ•ŠπŸ’šπŸ’™πŸŒΌ

Mother on reflection…

Where do I start? It’s been another Mother’s Day….mine started and ended as usual, however I got a lovely surprise…breakfast in bed and 3 homemade cards….(priceless)…I still had a wonderful day as usual, just doing all the chores that make this little world of mine, go round… 

I cherish my beautiful and amazing children every single day…no matter how hard it gets single handedly…no matter how hard it can be (I shall never give in)…

I am more determined than ever as they are getting what I never had…

Your Mother is your mother, right? Well I may not be ready to write about my pain…but I choose to be a survivor and not a victim…especially when I was blessed with motherhood!

These beautiful souls deserve all the love and devotion I have, no matter what! I said, no matter the adversities…this is my motivation!

Can’t make excuses, because if you really felt and still feel the pain….you wouldn’t even wish it for anyone else…right Rebecca?

I have reflected, most especially for 8 years now…everytime, I end up with that same feeling…

The feeling that can never be understood, except if experienced… And until I am ready to write it out loud…then so it shall remain…deep inside, twisting me always! 

I shall use the best of myself and my energy to preserve their beautiful little souls…this is my revenge, for that pain must enventually disperse from me…

All that remains is thanking God, each and everyday for giving me another chance…a chance to see and grab life as it should be!

Complete and utter devotion to my gifts of all gifts on this fractured earthπŸ’β€πŸ•Š

Everybody is on it…

Yep! It seems so many people are now #motivational speakers, #relationship experts, #life coaches oh my…..the list seems endless…

So many well equipped and well informed advisers…well the reality doesn’t reflect the truth of the matter….

In reality and in my opinion, it’s like too many chefs in the kitchen spoil the broth quite frankly…

How can you give advice to someone when you have no idea of what it feels like to be in that moment?

Oh but its so easy it seems nowadays that so many sheep and not enough wolves…

Everyone be quoting this and that and no substance from within…the whole idea is to take something away, that might help you…

Personally I started spouting from a very young age and this was my escape (writing) my world was dysfunctional without my notice…

As I grow, I still spout but I am merely coming from my own individual experiences…I am not copying or pasting anyones life…I am not trying to be a guru…Rebecca expressing her mind is just that…not intended to cause you harm!

It is not about how many followers or likes I get… it is simply my way out….writing and sharing and just staying in my very lane…

So a word of advice:- be careful how you copy and paste! Don’t get so deluded that you don’t see your own reality…find who you are and the rest follows! πŸ•Š

Everyone has their own special and unique talent! 

Living in fear…Living in bondage…

But I can’t live without him she says! He makes me feel good, when he does…when he makes me feel bad (most times)…it’s because he loves me too…

I am living in fear and in bondage, but all I see and feel is pain…I can’t be without him, he curses at me always….says it’s my fault that he treats me so badly…

I must be the worst human ever! I make him so mad that I get what I deserve…I remember when I first met him…he was the one…and he still is…he makes me feel so bad, but again so good! 

My darling, you are not deserving of this love…love that makes you cry. Your heart is completely shattered, you don’t even feel confident or beautiful anymore! My darling I tell you, Please always remember, you are still beautiful and can become even more confident when you leave…don’t let any one treat you this way…I know you don’t have the strength right now…but eventually I pray you do! Because it is not easy but possible. 

You don’t deserve to live in fear or bondage…you deserve to give yourself the true love he will never give youπŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

Oh but he loves me…

What is the definition of love? Well love has many different meanings for many different people!

You cannot possibly put love in one place and say that’s it! Right?

When you are so dysfunctional and absorbed in your own meaning of love, you can become lost in what you call love…

Love has many limits and can have no boundaries…look at love from a domestically violent relationship!

When he can easily put you down and hold you down….How can that be love? He can’t even give you a real definition of himself other than what he knows…

For some men, it is just the way to be. It is deep rooted…he had no idea that the love he grew up around, was just one meaning for him and many like him…

He doesn’t even realise that what he is doing is wrong, in his eyes it is the only way he knows…how can he ever see that he is the one with the problem? After all, you are the problem…

Indeed what has love got to do with it? He is so apologetic afterwards, he said it’s because you made him angry…he lost his temper…well he should control his temper…but he doesn’t know how to! 

It’s because he loves you so much, that is his reason for his anger…it is all your fault! 

But of course it isn’t your fault…it is his actions that define your love…you love him so much that you accept even the greatest flaw…might be the fact that your love has it’s own meaning too…

But oh, he loves me…But oh! Do you love yourself more? Or do you feel loving him unconditionally defines your love?