Tag Archives: acceptance

Ventures with my children…autism in tow!

You forget that a time always comes, when you completely feel overwhelmed and maybe a scream or cry would help…but not when its around a high functioning autistic child!

Last few days have been hellish! I hardly take my daughter to crowded areas (shopping centres)…

But I decided on Monday, we’d go and buy some school things. We got there, and then hell broke lose! Everything she liked, she picked and I said no to buying and her response was shocking but yet expected! 

She doesn’t understand “authority” how dare you say no to her? She starts to say all sorts…you are a “meanie” “I hate you” “you don’t love me” “you are diarrhoea”….my goodness the abuse was endless…and I have two other children with me, just quietly looking in disbelief!

But hey this is what we deal with when we are out…she doesn’t have boundaries or even a filter…she just loses it, because she can’t get her own way!

I felt like crying, I felt like breaking into pieces….but I remained disciplined, learnt from the last time. Still learning everyday… I have to be in control, not allowing her to get to me….not allowing the world to get to me, because all eyes are on us now…

It can be a lonely and a sad world, when you are in that moment with this child…no compassion…you soon realise that, you have to be it all! 

It didn’t stop there, it is a pattern…you say no and she just doesn’t seem to accept it!

This is my battle, my challenge…to help her to understand “authority” to accept “adult instructions”…to not internalise and react when she doesn’t get everything…this is the most difficult part…

I am unbiased however, she is mine and I love her no matter what. My focus is to continue to love her unconditionally, but at the same time show her the errors of her ways…but what are her ways at 7? I don’t have the answers…I just have perseverance. 

May God continue to guide my struggles and may our ventures continue regardless, because we have others to consider! 

๐Ÿ•Š๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ•Š

I am here…

I knew it! I knew she was a blessing right from the start! I mean they are all my blessings…..but she is particularly extremely special. I knew that God gave me this challenge to test and grow me. My daughter, she is amazing regardless of any labels or how society perceives her. She is a diamond and needs to be learned from. 

I just finally engaged in my teaching assistant training. This training is what I need to get into mainstream schools. Supporting children with special educational needs. 

I received the messaged earlier, this is my path and calling. My princess didn’t come with a manual! She came to me as a blank canvas and with her help she is painting her picture exactly how she should be. 

I jut want to give back to others, engage with others to share and support them as they go through theirs. On this journey of ours, all we want to do more of…is to be open and to share with the world how amazing and uplifting accepting autism is. 

Let us accept and share and show others that regardless we can do this. Rather than wallow and feel sorry for myself, I am going to continue to push ahead with GOD completely by my side. 

I am enjoying my teaching assistant training right this minute! Bring on the bright and beautiful future…touching souls!

Love and Hearts…..

  It’s amazing how I find my books filled with words I wrote down from way back in the 90’s. When I read my past writings I realise how there is a trending theme…..”love”! At that time I just was so lost and felt so unloved that I just wanted love. I was searching and put myself out there without even knowing who I was. Now in 2015 where I know exactly who I am and where I came from and why I was in such a need and hurry for love. I have always been fascinated with love, and I love anything heart-shaped (my home and garden full of hearts). I just wanted to find love based on my understanding of it. And now to realise that there was actually a reason in my heart that just needed to be mended. I still have a hole in my heart, but the difference now is that I know where that hole came from. I am love itself! I am made of love and thank God I now know how to love. The most important lesson in love I have learnt, is the love I now have for myself. I just didn’t know how to love myself, I was never loved by that woman. I now accept this fact and I don’t even hate her. I just feel sorry for her and I just want to use what I now know about love, to love all that I have here right in front of me. Love in abundance, and enough to share!

What Family?ย 

One of those days today! It has come to a complete halt! It’s just the way it is, you can’t stay any longer, can’t keep placing me down. I must evaluate! It’s been one of those amazing years 2015. This year has been a year of realisation on the most crucial part of my life! Family! What my family (extended) mean to me and what I mean to them! Well you know as I am growing older and wiser, I am asserting myself in the right way. I have to keep it real all the way, I have had to dig deep! I have most definitely evaluated all the people in my life, and come to accept that those that I will always love….don’t necessarily have the same love for me. The love I often get is very conditional. I really don’t want my children to go through what I did as a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult and now a mother! I want them to have better than I ever had and that better doesn’t mean materialistic accomplishments. Just to be strongly loved, by actions and not just by mouth. My seeds must stake and take their rightful place in this world. I don’t want to have negative or painful people around us! I don’t care anymore if they stay, in fact I just don’t want them around. They have been killing my very being, my soul! I now know why it was so hard for me growing up. I can’t keep crying and feeling pain just because I want you to love me unconditionally! I know you will never know how to, so it’s time for me to say goodbye, God bless and wish you the best! I don’t believe anymore that I can keep allowing you all to hold me down. I don’t have to advertise all that I have done for you all, God almighty that I know, knows every single thing and I will always stand by the truth. I must express myself, it is who I am. The seed of Philip, indeed the good always die young, my father died way too quick. But his spirit never left, it got transferred into me and so it shall be. I am a fortress, his lioness and I stand for the truth. I will no longer live under the clutches of the fake love. I know what real love is now, and for the rest of my days I will practise what I preach. Thank God for today, for the avenue presented. 

Who can be the judge…God or mere man?ย 

Who gives us the right to make judgements. I personally don’t have a problem with any race or sex. I don’t think any human can judge, because no one is perfect. I am very passionate about equality! I have been thinking about how gay people are treated around the world. And it is appalling and it deeply saddens me. Even as a Christian I do not believe that I have the right to judge gay people, by just basing it on the bible and what ignorant people say. My belief in Christ is sacred and my relationship with God is my own to share but not to use as a weapon against any other being! God that I know, has love for all and love I must have for all, regardless. God is the only judge, humans have the tendency to act all superior when they feel that someone else is not as good as them. This is solely based on ignorance and I don’t agree with the way people are quick to judge and throw abuse without any valid cause. Unfortunately in some parts of the world, gay people are discriminated against, even killed because they are just being who they believe they are. Who is the next man to judge? How can people be so ignorant and stupid? Of course God is love, so we must learn to love one another. Easier said than done I know as we live in a cruel world, but it is the reality. I must continue and say, Equality for ALL! 

Forgiveness

I remember a time when the thought of forgiving hurt and pain was just not possible. Easier back then to just hold on to the hurt and pain that I went through. A journey started, I began to see. I realised that forgiveness was so powerful! It is so underrated nowadays! I thought that to forgive, meant I was weak and that I was letting someone get the better of me. But then I began to see through the eyes of my little people. I asked myself as time passed by, what do I want to teach them? I want to teach them the meaning of life! I started to forgive the ones that truly hurt me and caused me so much pain. Forgiving them by actually letting go and not going back to the old memories. Moving ahead, focusing on the present. Saying it’s ok that you hurt me and caused me so much pain….but I forgive you, I let it all go! I began to feel so free, my heart didn’t feel heavy any longer! I felt peace, peace on an unimaginable level. I felt happy and stronger, the fact is I got my power back. To forgive my perpetrators allowed me to regain my power. Power of my heart, soul and mind, I treated them with love and respect regardless of what they had done to me and I saw the impact it had on them. They changed as I forgave them, they suddenly had nothing to hurt. It felt so liberating to be in control of myself. So forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of strength. Let go and enjoy now, leave the past in the past as it just hinders your growth. You are made in Gods image and you should, when you realise, work towards forgiving the most hurtful experiences and people. You have come from a place where what ever happened brought you this far. Say to that person or people that hurt you beyond imagination, yes I do forgive you. Because forgiveness gives you more strength! Forgiving you sets me completely free like a bird!

Autism is Real!!!

Autism is real, autism is everywhere but yet society seems to still be in the dark. I am expressing myself using my personal experiences, having an autistic beautiful diamond. I believe that I have been personally blessed to be given an autistic baby. My world, my eyes are wide open. I have learnt everything through my amazing daughter.

I remember right from the start, I could see that my baby was different. She did everything after her twin. However that did not phase me, as I just saw it as normal being part of a twin.
Whilst she is attending nursery, I was informed by the teacher that she had concerns as my daughters speech was delayed. She wasn’t speaking as she should at her age. We discussed and agreed that my daughter see a speech therapist to assess her.
At the appointment ย the speech therapist expressed concerns and suggested that Sofia would be referred to a paediatrician for further assessment. I mean the process in getting Sofia to see the speech therapist was a journey on its own. I couldn’t bear to think or begin to deal with anything. I was going through so much, and trying to look after all my children on my own. I was down and all alone. I couldn’t begin to deal with anything else. Very early on I had been told that Sofia could possibly be autistic. But I needed to get the correct diagnosis from the doctors. I refused to read anything on the Internet or any books. I simply didn’t want to be confused even more. I was already confused and anxious but most importantly I was extremely scared. I felt like I didn’t know where to begin. Things just seemed worse, I couldn’t even begin to deal with any of it more. But with God and strength and love and faith I went through the motions. I started to realise that my baby was starting school soon and I needed to get her the right support as she was struggling. She was always upset at nursery when I had to drop her off and she would kick off and have tantrums daily.
It was extremely difficult! Days were so bad, especially being in public. People would stare and shake their heads. I felt so ashamed and so anxious. I just beat myself up because my daughter was just so difficult to understand or handle. She didn’t speak and so she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. She would just scream and throw herself everywhere for everything. People are so ignorant and unaware so instead they stare and make it hard for one to function. I struggled with my daughter, it was way too hard. She didn’t get diagnosed until July 2014. I had to write and voice my concerns as I felt not having a diagnosis made it harder for people to even shut up as people like to assume and be judgemental just by face value. I mean having a diagnosis wasn’t for the benefits of others but solely for my daughter to get the help and support she needed to progress. My diamond is very high functioning and she has high sensory needs. I came to a realisation and I finally came to accept that yes my daughter is autistic and she needs the help and support required for her to progress. My mission was to simply focus on my child. I have to put her first and let her educate people. Let’s learn from her. As everyone is different autistic or not. What a journey we have been on! It’s been amazing, how I have learnt so much about autism from my amazing beautiful daughter.